Whimsical Me

(The following was a post my brother made regarding the band director we both had through high school. It explains so much about how band kids are very quickly corrupted into the perverts everyone’s parents warn them about)

The teacher who I credit as being the best director I ever had, is Stephanie Linville (formerly Ms. Lilly).

There are many reasons for that, but the one I want to focus on here was a quirk that, at least while I was there, she would never confirm or deny that she knew she had.  What she DIDN’T know until we told her before I graduated was that my friends and I were keeping track of it over the years.  You see, she had the uncanny tendency to make blatantly obvious double entendres out of things without realizing it… until she had to stop practice because The Goo Crew (our low brass section) was laughing hysterically and not playing with the rest of the band.

As I said, we kept track of this, and we did so in the form of “The List.”  Now, there were many Lillyisms that she used regularly, such as “Jesus God!” “one more time,” and “woodshed it.”  These were all rather innocuous and heard regularly.  But the things that went on The List were usually just one-off comments that sound particularly dirty even though they weren’t intended to.  Any time she said something of that nature, one of us would say “get The List!” and it would be written down promptly.

So, without further ado, I present to you The List, as kept by The Goo Crew.  May you get as much enjoyment out of it as we did.

    You should be warmed up already.

    We’re having a difficult time with this.

    Start with air, not with your tongue.

    Why can’t you follow me?

    I’m just not getting enough.

    I need more umph!

    Work out the sticky parts.

    It’s a big score on a small page!

    Blow harder.

    That tongue has to get out.

    If you don’t see it, you’re not looking!  (Crew response: “Hey now!”)

    There are very important parts that have to come out…

    This thing is going to slip out of my hands.  (Crew response: “Just be careful where you aim.”)

    There’re sticky fingers in the clarinets.

    I need everyone to pull out more.

    Quit rushing me!

    Park ‘n blow.

    I want you to hit it!

    It’s not pushing through.  Push through it.

    Back it up…

    Look, it’s not that hard…

    Y’all are makin’ this harder than it really is.

    Can y’all not stay still?

    Don’t talk.

    Sit forward.

    Y’all keep wanting to rush me…

    That is not the speed I started you at!

    It does not go that fast!

    Are y’all finished?  Can I finish now that you’re all done?  Okay, let’s do this…

    I want you to hit it as hard as you can!

    Trumpets, don’t blow your wad prematurely.

    Beat it harder!

    It’s a small part.

    Trumpets, I know y’all are high right now…

    Tongue harder.

    That’s a difficult monster to control she’s got there…

    Suck on it.

    One more time for me.

    Push in some.  (Crew response: “It’s in as far as it’ll go!”)

    Baritones get off there.

    It’ll stick out.

    I promise not to stop there next time.

    Keep it solid and flowing.

    If you’re flat, and you probably are…

    Kim, I love you… BLOW!

    Your lips bulge every time you tongue.

    Brass, lighten up on the tongue.

    When you choke it, pull it towards you.

    Just blow!

    Push it in and tighten up.